Divorce Articles
| This article was first published in the Florida Divorce Magazine
and are reprinted here with their full permission. |
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Mediation
Combination
Mediators can also be attorneys, therapists, or even
accountants. Which combination is right for you?
by Diana Shepherd
You may have heard about some of the
possible benefits of mediation: it can be easier on the kids and the pocket book, reduces
conflict, is faster than bitter litigation, teaches more effective communication and
parenting, creates more control of the process, and encourages self-generated solutions.
But did you know that two mediators can be different as apples and avocados -- that their
professional training and experience as well as personal style and beliefs can make them
just-right or all-wrong for you? In general, most mediators have professional training and
accreditation in either legal or therapeutic areas: lawyers, therapists, social workers,
and clergy. Mediators with financial training -- such as accountants or financial planners
-- are also becoming more common.
Here are a few examples of the possible
combinations:
Attorney-Mediator: Choosing a
mediator who is also an attorney or who has a legal background can be very beneficial in
divorce cases. "An attorney would be able to advise clients about the law and what
would happen if they went to court," says Genell Greenberg, an attorney-mediator
practicing in San Diego. "In mediation, he or she is in a situation to guide the
parties into equally informed decisions. Most people need to know what their legal rights
are, and they should be knowledgeable about what would happen in certain situations.
Whether or not they choose to do what the law provides is up to them, but they at least
will have that information."
Lawyers don't always make the best
mediators, however. Some may have trouble getting out of the adversarial mode they'd
normally use in court. If you have serious issues in your divorce, look for an
experienced, qualified mediator who's also a lawyer -- rather than a lawyer who has taken
a short course in mediation.
Just some of the advantages to hiring a
lawyer-mediator are that they can more accurately define legal issues, and that they know
court procedure and the structure of court settlements. Attorney-mediators are familiar
with prevailing standards in their jurisdiction and are aware of limits that lawyers and
courts find acceptable.
Therapist-Mediator: Therapists are
trained to help people understand themselves and better their lives. Their extensive
training and client-centered approach can make them excellent mediators by allowing them
to use therapeutic techniques and skills -- such as defusing anger and improving
communication -- in mediation.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D., a licensed
psychologist practicing in San Diego, believes a therapist-mediator may be a good choice
for a couple who wants to work with someone with who understands the dynamics of a
relationship. "The key advantage of having a mediator who's also a therapist is that
the individual has expertise in human behavior," he says. "He or she has the
ability to understand the dynamics as well as the communication strengths and weaknesses
of each partner. A mental-health professional will be focused on facilitating
communication with the dynamics of each individual in mind." Some advantages of
choosing a therapist-mediator are: they can help improve communication between the
involved parties, which can be tremendously useful if there are children to raise
together; and they can also identify and help the parties articulate their needs, and then
use these insights to mediate a fair and workable agreement.
Unless your mediator has legal training,
though, you may have to look elsewhere for help with property division and to draft your
legal separation agreement. Make sure your lawyer looks at any document drafted by your
mediator before you sign it.
Accountant-Mediator: If your
finances are complicated, consider hiring a mediator with a financial background.
"It's important to have good financial counseling, because of the tax impact of
property division, and to help you settle your long-range goals," advises Jane
Schooler, a lawyer, mediator, and real-estate broker in San Diego. "Whatever
settlement you make, you're setting up the next one-third of your life financially."
Male-Female Teams: A divorcing
couple may be well served by choosing a team composed of a man and a woman. Their
different perspectives may help to break through barriers to reach a settlement. Each
spouse sees one of the mediators as a gender ally, and being validated by mediators of
both sexes is reassuring and empowering for those involved. The balancing of sexes also
helps balance power within the session.
"If you have a male and female
mediator in a divorce case, each of the clients may initially feel that somebody on the
team is on his or her 'side' and sees things their way," explains Elizabeth Allen, an
attorney-mediator who works as a team with her husband, therapist-mediator Don Mohr, in
Encinitas. These partners are the authors of Affordable Justice: How to Settle Any
Dispute Including Divorce out of Court. "This would provide an initial feeling of
comfort. But as the mediation progresses, it should become clear to the couple that
neither of the mediators is taking sides. Ideally, all mediators are neutral. So the
clients should say to themselves, 'Hey, this other mediator seems to be on my side as much
as the one that I was already comfortable with.'"
Therapist-Attorney Teams: When two
mediators with different professional backgrounds work together, each can focus on the
areas best-suited to their strengths and training, and avoid overstepping the limits of
their experience and knowledge.
"An attorney-therapist team is a huge
advantage because it provides an interdisciplinary balance," says Allen. "One
person on the team knows the law, and if the mediators are writing up the paperwork, at
least one of them should know what will be required to get through the court system, while
the mediation is still free to be creative in its solutions.
"The therapist would have less of an
understanding of what's required by law. But a therapist is extremely important, because
clients bring many emotions to the table. The therapist can see what's going on under the
surface -- such as recognizing when a client says 'yes' but really means 'no', or when
they're depressed."
These teams can work together in the
mediation sessions, or divide up the issues (lawyer-mediator works on the property and the
therapist-mediator works on the visitation). Remember, though, that hiring two
professionals instead of one may be more costly. Make sure you call around and ask for
rates before choosing a team.
Clergy-Mediator: Most clergy see the
resolution of marital conflict as an integral part of their job. More and more clergy are
being trained in mediation of family disputes -- particularly separation and divorce --
not only by the church but also in programs in which lawyers, therapists, businesspeople,
and others also participate.
The bottom line
In the final analysis, experience,
conflict-management skills, knowledge, sensitivity, and personal style can be more
important than whether or not a mediator is also a lawyer or a therapist, so don't get too
hung up on his/her profession of origin. You might also ask your mediator whether he/she
ever uses a co-mediator from a different discipline and/or of the opposite gender.
The author of The Heart Of Conflict,
Brian Muldoon has been a Chicago-based divorce mediator and organizational trainer since
the early eighties. "A good mediator has to have a profound sensitivity to the goals
of his or her clients as well as a working knowledge of both law and therapy," he
says. "To be the best mediator, you have to listen to your client, learn something
new, and allow the power of the process to shift to your client." After all, the
client is an "expert" when it comes to his or her own life.
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